Tomorrow my Auntie (dad’s sister) is getting married. She’s 43 and this will be her first marriage. Great for her. I don’t mean to sound so unenthusiastic about it but I have to wear a dress and dresses really are not my thing! Anyway because she is getting married tomorrow my Gran thought it would be a fantastic idea to have my parents, my brother, my Auntie and myself round to hers for fish and chips (a kind of last supper for the Bailey family…which it is…we’re finally getting rid of my Auntie after unsuccessfully trying for years!). Now this all sounds very lovely and civilised doesn’t it? How wrong could you be?
You see my family is anything but civilised. My Grandmother is 80 and what a character she is, one day I will write a book on her. So the fish and chips were eaten and enjoyed along with a couple of cups of tea so next up was the family stories. Oh dear lord…
My Grandad on that side of the family died when I was 8, he had a very profound effect on my life and one day when I feel I can do it justice I will write a piece on one of the greatest men I have ever, or ever will know. Anyway he was a traditional guy, didn’t like women drinking pints, seeing women drunk or swearing. Goodness knows what he thinks of me now because I do just about everything he thought a woman should not do although my Gran tells me “he’d be so proud”, I very much hope she is right as I would hate to disappoint him. But times were different then as my Gran often reminds me.
So I shall begin the stories that were rolled out over the course of a rather amusing evening…
My Grandad, traditional family man and my Gran were arguing, my dad was about 16 and my Aunt about 8 and they said they have never forgotten this. Grandad and Gran were going hell for leather in the kitchen and during the heat of the row my Gran says to my Grandad: “you’re a t**t” and Grandad said: “what did you say? I don’t want to hear you use language like that!” cue my Gran…”well I can go one better than that. You’re nothing but a silly old c**t!” Well, I have heard that story many times in my life and it never fails to make me laugh. My Gran is barely five foot and my Grandad was well over six foot and he was one fiery character.
There was also the time my Dad and Auntie cleaned the dog’s teeth with my Grandad’s toothbrush and then put it back on the shelf…and time(s) my dad would go and aggravate Grandad’s ferrets so that when he went to feed them they would bite…And the time my dad asked to go out and Gran said no then he asked Grandad who said yes so my Gran chased him up the road with a poker in her hand.
But the best stories are as a result of my Gran. She really is a character so much so she told me on my 24th birthday: “I have a bit of birthday advice for you, if you got an itchy tit it means you fancy a bit and have lots of sex or else your cervix with shrivel up and die”. Erm, cheers Gran.
Continuing on the cervix theme she had an appointment at the doctors for a smear a few years ago. After the examination the doctor says: “Mrs. Bailey your cervix has gone but that is only to be expected at your age” “Gone?” My Gran asks, “Gone where? Did it fall out? Thought I felt something drop whilst I was in Tescos” The poor doctor didn’t know where to put her face.
So she got a bit poorly and had to go into hospital and as a volunteering scheme the Samaritans come around to talk to patients at the hospital so they’re asking her how she is and what not…”well” she says, “i’d be alright if you just gave me a gun and shot me!” Fortunately, they saw the funny side…my parents were stunned. Smartest thing you could possibly say to the Samaritans! But that could not possibly beat the previous hospital visit she had…
She had a fall in the garden and it shook her up a bit as she is a very independent woman. Anyway, she had to complete a series of tests to check she was competent enough to go home, one of which she had to pick up a piece of paper off of the floor, she did this quite proudly with no trouble. So she gets to the final test..”Mrs. Bailey could you write me a sentence?” Gran takes the piece of paper and pen and writes away and then hands it to the doctor. The doctor reads it and raises her eyebrows and looks at my Auntie in a little bit of disbelief, she reads it aloud…”My pussy is fluffy” My Gran smirks knowing full well what she has written. No surprise they let her out that day.
These are just a small selection of family stories that were rolled out over the course of the evening. I know this post isn’t my usual type of post but I just felt I had to share. So now you’re probably thinking “Oh but at least she’s got the other side of the family to keep her sane” Well I’m happy (I think?!) to report…mum’s side are just as bad…
My Grandad came home drunk one night and he said something, obviously the wrong thing to my Gran who promptly whacked him over the head with a cast iron frying pan knocking him clean out, now my Grandad was ex-army and not a small bloke. My mum says all she remembers is a cry up the stairs from my Gran calling to my mum’s eldest brother of: “Francis i’ve killed your dad!” She hadn’t. He survived until November 2008 when he passed. And no it was not the result of a cast iron frying pan!
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